Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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