I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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