put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
