Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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