Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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