Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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