dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
