dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
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