OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
