I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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