well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
