so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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