There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
