Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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