I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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