So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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