Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
