...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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