i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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