she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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