Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
