If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im holly from the hills drunk
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
