Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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