someone owes me an orgasm
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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