I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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