Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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