3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
