A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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