On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
