The beer is more important than you right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
