Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
