Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
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idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
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the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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