as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
