yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
