Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
