turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
These tits shall not be calmed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
