He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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