all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
