Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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