I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
