You just made me feel so damn special
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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