so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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