so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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