just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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