In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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