he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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