I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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