so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
