We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
