i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
