I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
