Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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