I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
