the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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