Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
