My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
