John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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