I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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