So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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It's official drugs can't kill me
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
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I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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